During my practice years I saw numerous individuals who were dealing with the loss of a loved one, be that a spouse, life partner, child, friend, parent or close relative. The grieving person usually showed up in a state of shock not knowing what to do with all these feelings that were emerging from within. At one time I had two couples on the caseload where one of the partners had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and only had a few months to live. Each of these situations were difficult and challenging in their own way.
The case of these latter couples was really no different than any case of grief and loss. In essence, both partners had to deal with their feelings. Once the terminally ill partner accepted the inevitability of their death, they seemed to have an easier time addressing this necessity. I saw this happen in my own family when my brother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years back. He has since passed away. It was my sister who suffered the most. She had to go on and manage life for her and their daughter by herself. In my experience, the surviving partner always had the most difficult time.
With counselling of any sort, the goal is to LISTEN! Not just the hear the words an individual was speaking, but to identify the Feelings behind them. When I would reflect back to the individual I always began with sounds like youre feeling ” sad, angry, scared, anxious, depressed ” whatever it was they were conveying. I would then ask them to check in to see if what I said was accurate. It usually was.
Initially, clients would gladly tell me about their feelings in the hopes we could gloss over this part of the process. When I asked them to focus more closely on a particular feeling, they realized this would not be the case. As they described what they felt in more detail, and included accounts of associated physical reactions, tears would often flow. Now they were feeling the feeling and, through this process, they were also releasing it along with its associated pain. Grief recovery counseling requires paying close attention to feelings. Tha’ts where the hurt lies and where healing has to take place.
Sometimes grieving individuals would want to know about Stages and other matters they had heard about in relation to grief, and I would just steer them back to their feelings. Once they realized that this was more important, it became easier for them to go there themselves and accept that sharing, feeling and crying were in their best interest. After a few sessions of working with their feelings the process became more acceptable. Many of these individuals would later report that keeping in touch with their feelings had many advantages and helped them with other aspects of their life.
Externals, such as stages, theories, charts and graphs can help illustrate important points about a particular experience or grief event. These make for good news reporting and the plethora of self-help books available today. Grief recovery resources and counseling focus on Internals such as emotions, feelings and associated physical reactions. They focus on our Heart and Feeling center because that is where we experience the quality of our life and the pain of a major loss. Once an individual becomes engaged in the process of “looking in” they have a new tool with which to manage their life. Journaling, writing letters to the deceased, listening to soothing music and reading grief related poetry will put you in touch with Your Heart, and that’s where healing takes place.
Grief recovery counseling can come in the form of an experienced therapist or a well crafted book resource that helps you focus on feelings. A fully narrated resource comes closest to the actual consulting room experience. Losing a loved one generates powerful feelings of bereavement and grief. A feeling approach to grief recovery takes advantage of this because those feelings are so close to the surface. For some, just a little push and some well focused guidance may be all an individual needs to get off on the right foot. We all need Permission to Feel, especially when dealing with grief and loss. Our heart and soul are ready to take us there and help us engage our innate healing capacity.
Applying externals such as charts, graphs and catch phrases like “time heals all” to an internal experience such as bereavement and grief is a waste of time. Being well informed can be useful, but it will not mend your broken heart. Externals can actually act as a distraction to the necessary grief recovery counseling process. A well written grief recovery resource can act as a personal counselor in the case of losing a loved one and help you focus on that all important feeling dimension. Don’t waste your time with externals. Get to the Heart of the matter.
You now have what you need to heal your grief. You will recover from this tragedy and great loss. You will become intimately acquainted with your Heart and Feeling Centre. You will come to a point where you can think about your loved one and smile. Because when the hurt is finally healed, what remains with you is the love you carry in your heart, and that is forever.
